The stillness in appreciating each day
After an extended break in writing, I’m ready to share once again. Taking time off from writing gave me a chance to gain a deeper understanding of myself and my priorities. For many, the truths I write here may seem self-evident, but personally this has been an incredibly long and sometimes painful journey that only recently I started appreciating.For much of my adult life, I've looked outside myself to feel fulfilled, plunging into the busyness of work, school and personal relationships constantly feeling a need to prove my self-worth. Having never lived by myself until last June, I relished the constant drama of change and needed a certain sense of “excitement” to keep myself from going crazy with self-defeating thoughts, boredom and loneliness.But since the first of this year, an incredible shift in my thinking and life perspective took place. I quit dating and started looking inward to find peace. I got a dog. I then would observe the simpler, peaceful and quiet parts of the day. Instead of looking at my phone for who I need to text or call, or feeling restless figuring out what activity I can do next, I found joy and comfort in reading, watching an educational film or simply sitting in my thoughts and feeling my emotions, some good and some bad. I pet my dog and cuddle with him for extended periods in the day. I do not rely on others to keep me busy or validate me. Instead, my mind and body stays engaged with the freedom that comes from sometimes doing absolutely nothing and observing my breathing. To also help, I repeated affirmations and made gratitude lists, which I posted on Facebook as a means of accountability.Of course, this is a skill that I’m continuing to practice and exercise, but gaining a better appreciation for stillness frees me to not worry about the future or dwell on the past. Many self-help experts advise to live in the present, but what that really meant to me was an impossibility if I constantly had the distraction of a goal or a dating prospect.
It’s been a very fulfilling journey to clear myself of those endeavors and instead use the time to get to know myself better and support the causes and take on the projects I’ve always wanted to try, but never seemed to make time for. Recently, this meant embracing my love for animals and dancing. Next up will be traveling throughout the western states with just myself and my dog Linc.I believe I could have lived these way years ago and been much happier. Living in mindfulness gives me the ability to connect with nature and explore my spiritual side. And, it’s given me the freedom to be totally honest with others and myself. I more easily say no to plans that involve late nights and drinking excessively. If someone’s treatment toward me is troublesome or I’m not feeling comfortable, I’ll communicate those feelings in an effort to work out the issue, or if need be allow the friendship to naturally drift apart and be ok in that.But doing this is not something I did without guidance. I understand the temporary nature of life and it's unexpected changes. I have support from people that are very special. But, what I am discovering that when I allow no one person to become my higher power, I’m free to love them as they are, meet them at their stage in life and make the best out of every interaction that comes my way. My self worth is less defined by outcomes. I accept that failure is part of this journey and work to give myself grace when I fall.So each day I resolve to live in the present and choose happiness. I have power over my thoughts and actions only, not the decisions of others. This realization has given my life purpose and meaning. I hope to continue to pass on the wisdom in understanding this great truth and strive to bring positive energy to all those around me.