"Having it all" means fulfillment from within

Growing up, I dreamed big. Sometimes I was going to be an actor, a singer, a writer, or a dancer. Everyone was going to LOVE me. I was going to move mountains with my greatness.These were the pie high fantasies of an immature little girl that spent hours wishing she were special, but never feeling it for herself.  A girl who thought if ONLY the right people noticed me, the cute boy would ask me out, or someone saw potential in me I could truly shine.Instead, much of my childhood I was picked on and bullied because I lacked the courage and confidence to fight back and stand up for myself. But from that experience, my resilience finally grew strong. I fought back against the "haters" and it's part of what's made me into the person I am today.At the age of 17, I became self sufficient and lived on my own. I learned that without training, experience and education, I was going to stay in low-wage jobs that held no promotion opportunities. I was so broke I used credit cards to pay for furniture I could not repay. I took out a student loan for community college classes because my friends were in school so I felt I must go as well. I was not mature enough for school, but did not want to feel like a loser. At the time in my mind, going to college was not to learn a trade but more a status symbol.Finally not having any career prospects in Ohio, not understanding my own strengths and feeling overall disconnected from everything, I joined the Navy. For most of my career, I've been proving to myself and others what I had within myself all along. But along the way, I sold out.I sold out to the idea that in order to be someone that mattered, I had to conform to a societal expectation. I must make a certain amount of money. My job had to carry the right amount of prestige. And my body had to look a certain way. At times over my two-decade naval career, I killed myself working out, dyed my hair bleach blonde, freaked out when I got passed over for promotions, and most importantly never learned how to relax and love myself.I'm not blaming anyone for my poor mindset, and I'm proud and thankful for the opportunities I have had serving. I'm simply saying that my current definition of success had undergone a radical transformation. No longer do I think I need to publish a book to be special, or is my life over if I'm not promoted to the next pay grade. I do need to sustain myself financially, which happens by saving for retirement and enjoying time alone and with others doing activities that cost next to nothing.I also believe in working hard and throwing passion into the projects I take on. If that be spending two quality hours at a puppy mill protest or hosting the Chief of Naval Operations on a tour of my ship, I'm committed to putting my full effort into any endeavor in front of me. And, improving upon my efforts so that they are productive learning opportunities, but also fun.But as I reflect on the times that mattered most in life, it was the relationships with people that I've met from so many interesting places around the world. It's the sense of teamwork I felt when a bunch of us came together to make something great. It's when I sit down to write these blogs and reflect on the insights I've gathered so far. It's not when I'm doing "busy work," or worried about perception. The less I care about what other's opinions are on the way I live life, the more content I am when I do decide to do nothing at all.Society has a way of pushing busyness as a sign of accomplishment. I was once on a deployment where people bragged about their lack of sleep. That's ridiculous. Or people that stay late even when the work could easily be accomplished the next day. I will never be that person and intentionally compromise my wellness over the churn of daily tasks. Instead, I will put faith in my subordinates and delegate so that we can all maintain a healthy work/life balance.And this is a rather new insight that came around the time I thought my career was in jeopardy. The story is a little too personal for this venue, but thinking I might lose my livelihood gave me an insight into what priorities I lacked. I realized that I had prioritized my career over everything else and that was not healthy.As I move forward in life's journey, I will continue to balance my work projects with down time and time with others. I need all of it, not one over the other. I need good people in my life, a lovable dog, projects that move me, days of doing nothing, lots of laughter and ways to have fun.It's my life, it won't last forever and I'm determined to make the most of it.